Haikus on English

Daisies of thick blood
Pours flowing river on thee
Swallowed by freedom

Roses bleeding dead
stabbed by insecurity
suddenly blooms back

Happy Children Play
sing songs of melancholy---
found in their coffins

Two hands in control
tenderly touching fingers
surrounding my neck

Trash

I feel like TRASH!!! uhhh!!!! This is the worst year ever!!! It was so long since I have last posted and here I am again in my usual depressed and totally wasted self. Huh!!!!! Life sucks... Once you had everything and you wake up one day like nobody. Why is this really happening? And it is so hard to define myself. I'm not even sure if I really know myself. So long to the things I once owned and to theings I took for granted. I really suck! I can't even handle a simple responsibility. What more in the future? I'm not saying that I will still have greater positions but in the looks of it everything is possible!

Back to School

Uhh... School's about to come again... I mean tomorrow school is about to start, my life here as a normal person is officially over. I am once again the stressed looking freak... huhu... I'm so tired... school again.. I don't want to... Oh well, things are really ok lately, I mean in my social life. All friends are treated ok by me. Before I was ok with the work and friends are the problem but now... Arrgghh... Can't understand why life can't be not annoying for just a day... This really kills me. I don't even think that I'm prepared for school. This is so hard. Well, this won't even help me a bit and might worsen my day tommorow because I am late and I lack sleep. UHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy

It's already semestral break and I'm doing fine. I mean I'm sure that when school kicks back in I'm totally gonna die again. In this week I only watch series like "Grey's Anatomy" and "Bones" without even bothering that much about homework and articles, no hurting phone calls and a lot of crying. I cry a lot, tears are just curses. I admit that I miss crying at times but when I actually miss it, it hits me everyday then stops for a long time. It's not worth crying about stupid and useless things but I just can't help it. I can't fake myself and act as if I'm not affected or anything. I worry about my articles and still is happy. I am not speaking with a person that I usually speak to but still I'm happy. The word "HAPPY" here is very shallow. I mean I don't cry, I don't get too paranoid and I can sleep well at night, that is happy for me. Haha. Odd that I am happy when I'm with an argue with a someone. I admit that I was super affected and cried my head off for about 2 times but maybe this is a realization that there are things which aren't worth it. Actually I'm still not sure yet if I'm really happy but for now I think I am.

Pics ko po...

Nakakainis talaga... ang cute cute ko naman nung bata ako... tapos ngaun.. itim itim na... pangit pa... huhu.. oh well.. kasama ko po pala ay ang aking bestfrind na si Leviline Dulay... haha.... la lang... bday kasi ng shoti nya.. xempre invited ako sa max... sarap naman ung food eh...


Yan lang ata ung maayos!!!



dadagdagan ko pa toh.. mejo nagloloko kasi pc kaya dalawa lang ung napost ko... hehe

Same Regrets

Now I'm totally pissed. It's like you're the one who's making up but then still it isn't enough. Is God already punishing me for all my mortal sins? I know I deserve this but the timing is so not good. My birthday is only days away and I am not really comfortable having conflicts like these especially in my birthday. I'm really tired of chasing people who doesn't even want to talk to me. I want to talk to him to apologize but I think that ain't gonna happen. This sucks! I asked for other people's opinion but they have different conclusions. So still it's up to me to decide. Some say that I should reach out since it's my fault, that I need to do something before it's too late. Some say I should quit it, I already tried and reach out, if he's really worth it he won't let the six months be eaten by this problem. This sucks, both have huge points. I want to test the person's sincerity of his past lines but also I don't want to lose another friend eventhough he's not that worth it. Does that make sense? Whatever... I just need to concentrate on my quiz. By the way, the math quiz was sooo hard, I think I failed again. Huhu.

Wrong Decisions

Why do I always make wrong decisions? I aways do experiments though I don't think I play with people. I wanted it to happen but that thing could never happen if I'll just tell that person. I thought I need tpo hurt for it to let go, but I was wrong. What if hat person was too annoyed to even talk to me? What if I decide to come back and he doesn't accept me anymore. Ahhh!!!! I should stop thinking to much I need to stick to what I've done. I won't stop it but I'll go with it since this is what I wanted in the first place. But am I regretting? I'm not quite sure. I hope I'm not. waahhh!!! so much of a roller coaster ride. It's not that person's fault, I needed that time for myself. But I'm sure I'll come back but what isn't sure is that when I come back, will it still be the same? Will that person accept me again for me being so stupid. Maybe at this moment he's angry with me and plans to do the same thing with me. Waahh!!! Why am I so stupid at times? I just decide without even thinking the after effects... huhu... But now I am ok and I'll try to be happy with my decision. I won't think of the consequences for now. I'm ust gonna study hard for our pt and get the highest score ever! As if that's gonna happen... hehe... Well, it's worth a try... wish me luck!

Tough Times

I'm undergoing tough times lately. Practices everywhere, by the way I already recieved my award last saturday, it was so weird. I'm already done eith the school paper and now the performances then right after the school paper again then the performances. When will all this calm down? Can't I have my break? I'm really happy with all these things but sometimes it makes me really pressured. People think that I'm a package deal. And make stuff big deals when I make small mistakes.

I'm tired of using the phone, watching tv and even surfing the net, I prefer sleeping more. I look like an old lady at the age of 13. How frustrating! I always post the same entries. I need new topics for my articles. I need to make it good this time. Ha! what to do?

Colors

In the midst of the night, I see different colors. One that can never be seen in daylight… Colors that resembled the meaning of true life, true love and true faith. It makes us realize the real essence of everything. How the simple laughs affect the people around you. How tears gave sad feelings for others and how we grow love for each other. These hidden colors were kept for a long time. Not seen in the naked eye, we never noticed that it was just around us.

The atmosphere of life is everywhere, in every place in every sight that can be seen. As the moon shone above me I realized all the things that I’ve missed. The times that I wasted time and the times that I took others for granted. The times when I didn’t care what other’s feel. My times of in denial and regretting every single time that I lied of how I felt, I feel as if my heart’s sinking when every time I think about those moments. I always regret. I never learn. And now I’m scared to do the same things. I’m afraid that the colors that surround me will slowly fade away. I will never be complete. As I watch it slowly turn to black and white, I cry. I feel the pain of each mistake. It kills me every time I see the consequence that affected the people around me. They are innocent. I’m the one to blame. But still no one blames me. I do things that I cannot pay. But still I do it. How can I be this bad? The color yellow in my eyes gradually turned red. Red of blood, then it turned black. Black of death, I live, I breathe, I am here but I’m dead. I don’t feel anything anymore. I surrender. And to those people who paid for everything. I’m sorry. Now I’m paying. Now I’d rest in my own hands. I’ll live again when the time comes. I’ll be back but it might take a long time to put the simple colors of my life to regain, for everything to be colorful again. I’m tired so are you. I’ll heal myself with the colors left and create new… Wait for my coming back…

Silly Headlines

Right now I'm finishing my 2 news articles. I can't think of a good headline. Uhh... I'm not used to writing news though it is my job because I'm a "FILIPINO" editor which means that everysection in filipino language is in my editing system. ince that's the case I am required to write a news. Atleast It's a new experience.

I'm having problems with my attitude I feel that I'm getting bossy. I don't want the things to get into my head. I want to stay like this forever. I mean I believe that somehow, I'm innocent and just right right now. It's already midnight and we have school tomorrow tell me what to do... Huhu. Instead of resting here I am typing, typing and typing. Getting the monitor into my brains. Hehe. Tired yet worried. I'm scared of Science. I don't know what to do. I should pass! I can do this! Many names will be stained if I fail. First my family, my sisters are known for their huge brains and writing skills. Next, my scribe family. Of coarse as they say Scribers ar role models. Then I fail. I'm no longer a normal writer I have heavier biones behind me. I can't just drop them off. I have a responsibility. And lastly, my own name. Huhu. I can't afford to fail. I Can't fail. Right now, I wanna die! I feel bad when I think of science. Hope that I pass it. If you read this... pray for me... I need tons of prayers. But I have a part while you pray I study. That sounds very dynamic... hehe... Till next time.... If there's still time ahead... hehe...

Another Week

I think I'm gonna fail biology. I'm scared as usual what new? I'm always near the edges of the cliff. I can't take this any more. 2 more news articles... haaayyy life.. so tired. I'm not feeling well lately. I have practices everyday. I'm always sleepy though I sleep much earlier than before. Haha. Many things just happen to me and now I can't remember it. So Ironic.

I wanna sleep but still I'm typing and now I'm looking for solutions on how to get a disket. I need it exactly tom. What to do? It's a deadline! Curse me!!!! ahhh.... I won't sleep tonight not unless I find new solutions. My ugly article is giving me the creeps. Think that I will be abandoned by scribe. Now I'm feeling that I'm not deserving. I don't deserve the credit and the name it's giving me. There are many good writers that doesn't stand out. Why me? I'm happy yet pressured. I frustrated yet proud... haha.. confusing... I don't know what to feel. Giving me huge responsibilities means they trust me but still huge reposibilities means expectations. Oh well, just have to do my job.... hehe

I Passed!

I passed it!!! Bwahaha!!! I think? I'm still not sure because my report card was hold. Meaning I wasn't able to pay my tuition fee so the office wouldn't release my card. Mom gave us the check but we didn't know that it was post dated on september 30! Ussually when this happens we can solve it. We just talk to the administrative head to release my card. But this time we didn't go. We just left school. Theere were so many parents looking for her and the information girl wasn't anywhere so I have no choice but to wait for monday. Huhu. Well, if your wondering why I know I passed, I am included in the top ten. Actually I'm 9th! hehe. I thought I was failing. Haha. I was so happy that I didn't care about my card anymore. I was about to cry when I started recieving failing remarks on my subjects especially the periodic exams but thank God, I passed and even better! I can't believe it I'm included in the top ten. Gosh! Another grading to come. Huhu.

My problem with the essay thing wasn't so good. Actually I'm feeling worse I think I can't do it. I'm scared. Right now I'm typing it. It's going pretty WELL. Not good only well. But this time I need to forget about my pessimistic side and think of the positive things... I can do this... Aja!

A New Stage

I am really pressured right now. First, tom. will be the distribution of cards and surely I am not included in the top ten. I'm also worried about failing. I am not that confident with my grades. Hope I don't see red marks. Huhu. Second, the task given to me. My job as an editor. I wrote an article about shoes and I think they found it unique and they decided to return it to me. I needed to revise it. I was told to make it a 2 page article! Our adviser told us that it ahould be a contest piece. I think I can't do it. I'm not that good of a writer. I'm nervous. Maybe I have to start believing in myself. I was never confident with my skills. I always see bad bones especially in writing. I'm not even good at spelling. And even worse in filipino. But fate is fate. I have no choice but to accept what god has given me.

Yes dear readers I am insane. I really am pressured. They didn't only ask me to write an essay hey also assigned me to write 2 news articles and once again the most neck breaking part... It should be a contest piece. Let's just see what happens. Hope I can make them contented with what I can do. Hope I can do my job as the school campus newspaper's filipino section editor. I also wish for it to win. Of coarse I carry the name of our school somehow. I should prove to them that they didn't made a wrong decision in picking a sophomore student. I can do this. They didn't put me here for just any reason. Maybe this is what god has planned for me. I promise if I can make pass through this stage. I can already say that I am an editor and soon I'll be proud of myself and not doubt with what I have and what I can do. I'll learn to love even the people around me. I won't play games anymore. I promise...

Regrets

I do... I regret... I try to change... I found out that I can't change... I get depressed... I argue.. then I regret again... What the heck??? It's a roller coaster ride... I am a bad person. I really am. I did something for a person then I regret it because I didn't got the reaction that I was expecting. I'm bad. I should change this attitude. I hurt people. I hurt myself after hurting those people. Staring from now on I will try to post happy memories than my worst and redundant emotions.

I am so numb. Now I'm feeling it. I only see the faults of others. I didn't even realize that I was also doing it. The same mistake that I despise others. I really hate myself. As of now, I want to cry... I am crying but unseen... I pity myself for being this weak. I cry for people that I value but I don't feel that they value me. I really don't cry with tears and everything but I feel like crying. I felt sorry for myself.. for not knowing that others value me....

I'm Sorry

Lately I can't sleep, I'm worried about many things. But actually I don't know what I'm worried about. Nothing in my brain is specified. Gosh! And lately I don't even have time to post on my blog or to chat. I'm not that busy at school but I feel that something's wrong with me. I'm grounded only for my achi's eyes but when she's out I can do any thing I want. I'm bad... hehe...

I'm listening to 26 songs. I mean as in ONLY 26 songs. I think I'm gonna get sick with myself. I keep complaining. I can't even remember that I posted here that I'm happy... Now I'm thinking of the things I lack... the only thing that I don't have is a love life and money. Well, I don't need those anyway. I think I'm only pressuring myself... haha... I'm the cause of all my depressions... Weird isn't it? But yes! It's all my fault and yet I'm complaining. I even burst out to other people... you know who you are...

I just wanna say I'm sorry. I don't see your concerns. Thanks for everything... I'm such a selfish freak. Hehe.. Thanks for your efforts to cheer me up though sometimes I'm bad enough to make you feel that you're the one who made a mistake. It's all me. You did nothing wrong. That's who you are... and I can't change that... I'm sorry for being a stuborn kid... Don't think about my feelings too much... I'm confused child... You'll never find me out... I'll try to change my moody modes... I promise I'll make it up to you... -shobe-

Summary for this Week

I am very tired, really tired. Lately I've been feeling very sick and it's as if I'm gonna fall. It was very hard for me to breathe yesterday. I don't have asthma.

I entered something I know I wont win. It's a national impromptu speaking contest. Well, I didn't realize that it is gonna be hard. Good luck. Hope I won't humiliate myself infront of others... hehe...

The program was OK. Not that good but we are all proud of it. We made it. Haha. By the way, I think our group was the worst they forgot to sing the first line! Imagine that... At first I thought "what the?" but since the show must go on. I have to put my face infront of 2 sections!!! Gosh... I promise I won't do that again! I swear... well, not sure because humiliation is unexpected. I really look ugly... haha.. well, that I can't change

Making Plans

This will be such a busy grading period for me. I'm starting to realize my faults such as laziness and being very irresponsible. I should try to learn time management. It seems like I'm using up my time in telebabad and net surfing. I use all of my time in my simple pleasures than my responsibilities. It's been a long while since I've posted. I've got so many things running through my head now. School, friends(weird friends) and family. I always feel tired though I'm only sleeping and eating. I have to make plans to make everything in order.

Right now I'm planning to have dreams. I know it's very late to have dreams at the age of 13. haha. I'm still searching the right paths of life... Bwahaha... Wala na ko masulat ah. :-p How much do I need to cry at night to know how I feel? I am bothered not at love. You might assume that it is love but sorry my doors of love are now closed. It's personal and private matters which includes family and friends... Can't take this any longer.

You were never there

Last night I was playing my guitar.
All of the people in our house was already sleeping.
I was alone at that time.
The door in my room was closed.
I was playing my guitar.

I never intended to be all emotional but I was.
I heared the bat's sounds and the waving of the trees.
And as the winds of the electric fan past by my face.
I thought of the good times we had together.
The times we shared things for each other.

But at that night I was alone...

As my fingertips touched the strings of the guitar,
I feel you near me.
As the music play in my haed,
I feel you beside me,
As I was reminiscing you weren't there

I was alone...

I pushed the guitar near me,
I hugged it gently,
I don't want to let go of it,
It was you who was in it.
Your presence was there but your no where...

At that time I felt alone...

I needed to hear your voice...
A voice of purity...
I played the guitar once again..
then your face flashed in mine...
I thought you were there but no you were not...

I sang a song to forget about you...
But the song I sang was all about you...
I danced alone and felt the breeze with me...
But I felt a person touching me...
Hugged me and dissapeared...

I thought you were with me but I didn't see you...

I looked at the mirror...
I imagined you beside me...
But a blank face is all I can see...
I was waiting for you that night...
Waiting for you to tell me you love me...

I was lying on the floor...
thinking about you with the guitar against me....
Fingertips on the strings...
My hands on its neck...
And suddenly I realized I was all alone...

You were never there...

Pictures of Art

Today I am planning to draw something. I've been thinking about it these past few days. My last art was last april 5 and up until now my collection didn't even increased. I'm not that good at art but I enjoy seeing my sweat turn into gold. Haha. I don't know how I get pleasure from it. It's a very dirty work. But still. It calms me right after. Sometime I'll post my works here even though they look like kindergarten projects. I'm still proud of it. Cause in someway. It makes me proud of myself. Eventhough it does look like kindergarten. I did things that I have never done. And that is something that I shoul be proud of.

I didn't even know when did I learn how to use pastels. Because in the first place no one in this house knows. I never attended any art classes (though I want to). Maybe I'm just obsessed with collecting talents. That's a possible reason. Hehe. I want to have a new something to improve. A new something to put sweat into. Well, one thing's for sure. The bottom of my to learn list is dancing. It's just isn'y me. But I promise to try it someday. But I can't promise to be good at it. That's way too much. Watch out for my upcoming posts. I'm planning to scan my garbage... Hehe...

I'm thinking of neww pictures to draw. I don't copy drawings of others. I either do still life or imagination. I'm also not good in drawing anime. I know that it is very intriguing but believe me you wouldn't be surprised. There's nothing special about it except for the time and effort I gave it...

Confusion: Complicated

What's with trust? Why can't I determine what I want? Why can't I own what I have? How would you know if someone cares for you? How does one stay awake when we're feeling asleep? Confusion is a sin. You sometimes tell lies because you're confused. And you feel confused when you tell lies. How weird is it when you say you don't love someone but you actually do? How does one change the other? Fire burns the arm, water drowns the bird, what more can love do if it is the one who tortures. What can love drown? How far can it go?Which is more paniful? Seeing someone that loves you get hurt? Or getting hurt because the one you love doesn't love you?

A person once told me that for him its the relationship that creates love. We didn't get along because for me it's the love that creates the relationship. But right now, I'm confused. Because I'm pushing a person to have a relationship and find love in it. What the heck just happened???? See? Nothing's going the right direction. Now I don't know what's right. What to do? AHHH!!! Can't explain myself lately. Why does life have to be this way? Sooo complicated.