An Illusion

You were too great, too good to be true
A fairytale I was when I am with you
A sight so neat no glance can miss,
A treacherous disease, a dying kiss

You were there, a far distance
Untouchable yet nice to look at
But I can’t get through, can’t even take that chance,
Can’t smile and say “Would you care to dance?”

A dream so dull, felt so true
Now answer me, “Am I that of a fool?”
I thought you were listening, thought you liked me
Until I realized, it was all an illusion that was just a dream.

Y Speech Finalist... Awoohh!!! aheheh (from multiply)

It was just then when I was actually on that same stage at the gym and now it's about to happen again. What I'm afraid of this time is for the exact mistake to happen again. I might stand there frozen in the middle of time because of fear. Maybe I'm confident in the eyes of my classmates but a classroom and a gym is totally different. Though I've performed acting and singing there, still my weakness of eye contact and a tons of convincing tone just wouldn't come out. I really wanted to get in just like before but up until now I don't know what's next for the girl who screwed up the first time... Aja!!!! Fight fight!!!! ahehehe...

Pessimist? Not Anymore! (updated)

I've been thinking of my atiitude towards things lately... Masyado na ko nagiging negative lahat nalang ng bagay na maganda nahahanapan ko ng pangit... sumasama na ugali ko... I should be thankful with what I have... Kaya simula ngayon I'll try to shut myself and think of the good things... so I made a list of my blessing to thank God and the people around me na naniwala kahit ganito ugali ko... thanks...

Things I'm thankful for:
1. Naging president ako ng choir.
2. Naging filipino section editor ako ng scribe.
3. Nakasali ako ng prisaap.
4. Nakaattend ako ng journalism fellowship.
5. Nakapasok ako ng singing idol hanggang finals.
6. Naging top 9 ako nung first grading.
7. Natuto ako maguitara.
8. Natuto ako sumulat at kumanta.
9. Naging lapel ulit ako this year nung foundation day.
10. Lahat ng napanaluan ko kahit recycling contest pa yan... hahahaha..
11. Mayroon akong friends na naging totoo sakin at hindi ako iniwan kahit bangag ako.
12. Meron akong family na supportive sa kahit anung gawin ko.
13. Pumasa ako ng chem. (haha)
14. I was praised by my teachers kahit konti lang.
15. Sa dami ng sakit ko buhay pa rin ako. :p
16. Meron akong clef chin asset ngaraw yan sabi ng iba. (kahit inaasar ako) :p
17.Meron akong dimples.
18. I'm petite. hahahaha...
19. I got in the finals of Y speech!!!! Awoohh!!!
20. Nakabili ako ng bagong folders sa choir... ahehehehe... (babaw)

Sorry sa lahat ng nabother ko sa lahat ng kapraningan ko... hehehee... peace ya'll... anu kaya un? hehehehe... Ewan ko ba kung anu sumanib sakin ngaung araw.... adik! bwahahahahahha!!!!

PCHS Singing idol

Surprisingly, I got in the final 5 to perform at the gym. I'm really happy but still there's a part of me that can't let out that energy... I just domn't feel deserving enough because actually at that time I never expected it. I was one of the worst performers that night (my opinion only) and beside the fact that may singing partner sang my solo part, I was really frustrated about that and started crying. I really didn't want to cry but still I was too nervous and I felt cheated in a way though I know it was not her intention. I was over acting and I know it but I can't help it.

At first when our notes were lost, I was still enjoying it though there's a possibility of not getting in, I was still fine. But when she sang my solo I just stood there frozen, staring at her and signaling for her to stop. But as expected nothing changed. I was too down to even look at the audience. I only stood there staring at the floor and tried to calm myself down. It's as if, if I was given a chance to ran off and cry outside I would've. But it pulled me deep down to hear my name knowing that the other singers did better. I was not even close to good. I'm not questioning anybody but at that time I thought of my friends who really spent their time practicing while I did not do so much.

Now, all I can do is to pray that I don't do the same mistake as I did last time and that I can prove to people and myself that I am deserving and I was right to be there. That's all I can do now. My self-confidence vanished just like that. I think I'm just being too paranoid. Hahahaha... Good luck nalang sakin!!!!! Ahehehe... Abd I'd also like to thank all my friends who stood up for me kahit nagkalat na ko at lahat. Tsaka sa lahat ng tulong niyo sa tono ko sa mukha ko and for being true to me. salamat po!!! Love you all!!!

Clock's still Waiting

I hold with bare hands a blue pen
I have a piece of paper that was there just then
The clock's waiting for an unforgetable scene
Of love and hope that was meant to be a dream.

I was there with blurred thoughts, a dashing light,
I was there with a story that never came off mind.
The clock's still waiting for an unforgetable scene
Of freedom and peace that was meant to be a dream.

I witnessed the reality, a harsh sight,
I viewed them all died from a fight!
The clock's still waiting for a story to be heard
Of an unforgetable love story but death deserved.

Success!!!

I thought I would never be abe to post here again!!! hah! maybe our pcs the one broken.... I mean... duh! it was asking me to log in to a google account and when I ried it here it actually works... I really miss posting here... hahaha... well, I'm at my uncle's house at alabang... my ama's sick and I'm really worried... I cannot think of the thiings that might happen if something bad actually happens... huhu... I'l pray for her so hard... I love u ama!

Mood Swings

Super dami kong iniintindi ngayon, wala na ngang pasok puro asar naman, ngek! Would life ever give me peace and quiet? I hate it!!! In every way I look there's always something bad and unpleasant... Old friends ome again and new ones go... You're happy then feel irritated... You try to love someone then realizes that it's not worth it... So tiring, almost everything this year are rejections, I still haven't felt good about myself. I'm scared of changes, I'm afraid that people might leave me, especially the ones whom have stuck them selves with me thru my bad and good times. Hay... Ang drama! Buti nga marami pa ring nagstistick up sakin kahit may sayad ako... thanks sa inyong lahat!!! hehehe...

Exclamation Points

Right now things are going my head... actually, the thing I'm refering to is a thing which I didn't really thought of yesterday or the other day even though I should have... It just got stuck up on me again because o some stupid email and upcoming even... I really hate it when things have to be complicated when actually you can do it with less complication... And I hate the way people react and use their words without even thinking if they'd hurt any feelings... I mean if you tell a person something shouldn't it be sincere? then why put an exclamation point??? grr... don't want to think anymore.... Gotta sleep... another big day tomorrow!

Failure

I'm so dumb and stupid... I'm careless and brainless as well... yah I failed in math... it sucks... cried for ow many days... this really eats me... can't live like this!!! I make other people guilty I think of revenge... so stupid... arrrghhh!!!!! I want to die.... I can't live this life anymore so unfair and unlucky!!! I'm just plain stupid... tell me what to do...

Haikus on English

Daisies of thick blood
Pours flowing river on thee
Swallowed by freedom

Roses bleeding dead
stabbed by insecurity
suddenly blooms back

Happy Children Play
sing songs of melancholy---
found in their coffins

Two hands in control
tenderly touching fingers
surrounding my neck

Trash

I feel like TRASH!!! uhhh!!!! This is the worst year ever!!! It was so long since I have last posted and here I am again in my usual depressed and totally wasted self. Huh!!!!! Life sucks... Once you had everything and you wake up one day like nobody. Why is this really happening? And it is so hard to define myself. I'm not even sure if I really know myself. So long to the things I once owned and to theings I took for granted. I really suck! I can't even handle a simple responsibility. What more in the future? I'm not saying that I will still have greater positions but in the looks of it everything is possible!

Back to School

Uhh... School's about to come again... I mean tomorrow school is about to start, my life here as a normal person is officially over. I am once again the stressed looking freak... huhu... I'm so tired... school again.. I don't want to... Oh well, things are really ok lately, I mean in my social life. All friends are treated ok by me. Before I was ok with the work and friends are the problem but now... Arrgghh... Can't understand why life can't be not annoying for just a day... This really kills me. I don't even think that I'm prepared for school. This is so hard. Well, this won't even help me a bit and might worsen my day tommorow because I am late and I lack sleep. UHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy

It's already semestral break and I'm doing fine. I mean I'm sure that when school kicks back in I'm totally gonna die again. In this week I only watch series like "Grey's Anatomy" and "Bones" without even bothering that much about homework and articles, no hurting phone calls and a lot of crying. I cry a lot, tears are just curses. I admit that I miss crying at times but when I actually miss it, it hits me everyday then stops for a long time. It's not worth crying about stupid and useless things but I just can't help it. I can't fake myself and act as if I'm not affected or anything. I worry about my articles and still is happy. I am not speaking with a person that I usually speak to but still I'm happy. The word "HAPPY" here is very shallow. I mean I don't cry, I don't get too paranoid and I can sleep well at night, that is happy for me. Haha. Odd that I am happy when I'm with an argue with a someone. I admit that I was super affected and cried my head off for about 2 times but maybe this is a realization that there are things which aren't worth it. Actually I'm still not sure yet if I'm really happy but for now I think I am.

Pics ko po...

Nakakainis talaga... ang cute cute ko naman nung bata ako... tapos ngaun.. itim itim na... pangit pa... huhu.. oh well.. kasama ko po pala ay ang aking bestfrind na si Leviline Dulay... haha.... la lang... bday kasi ng shoti nya.. xempre invited ako sa max... sarap naman ung food eh...


Yan lang ata ung maayos!!!



dadagdagan ko pa toh.. mejo nagloloko kasi pc kaya dalawa lang ung napost ko... hehe

Same Regrets

Now I'm totally pissed. It's like you're the one who's making up but then still it isn't enough. Is God already punishing me for all my mortal sins? I know I deserve this but the timing is so not good. My birthday is only days away and I am not really comfortable having conflicts like these especially in my birthday. I'm really tired of chasing people who doesn't even want to talk to me. I want to talk to him to apologize but I think that ain't gonna happen. This sucks! I asked for other people's opinion but they have different conclusions. So still it's up to me to decide. Some say that I should reach out since it's my fault, that I need to do something before it's too late. Some say I should quit it, I already tried and reach out, if he's really worth it he won't let the six months be eaten by this problem. This sucks, both have huge points. I want to test the person's sincerity of his past lines but also I don't want to lose another friend eventhough he's not that worth it. Does that make sense? Whatever... I just need to concentrate on my quiz. By the way, the math quiz was sooo hard, I think I failed again. Huhu.

Wrong Decisions

Why do I always make wrong decisions? I aways do experiments though I don't think I play with people. I wanted it to happen but that thing could never happen if I'll just tell that person. I thought I need tpo hurt for it to let go, but I was wrong. What if hat person was too annoyed to even talk to me? What if I decide to come back and he doesn't accept me anymore. Ahhh!!!! I should stop thinking to much I need to stick to what I've done. I won't stop it but I'll go with it since this is what I wanted in the first place. But am I regretting? I'm not quite sure. I hope I'm not. waahhh!!! so much of a roller coaster ride. It's not that person's fault, I needed that time for myself. But I'm sure I'll come back but what isn't sure is that when I come back, will it still be the same? Will that person accept me again for me being so stupid. Maybe at this moment he's angry with me and plans to do the same thing with me. Waahh!!! Why am I so stupid at times? I just decide without even thinking the after effects... huhu... But now I am ok and I'll try to be happy with my decision. I won't think of the consequences for now. I'm ust gonna study hard for our pt and get the highest score ever! As if that's gonna happen... hehe... Well, it's worth a try... wish me luck!

Tough Times

I'm undergoing tough times lately. Practices everywhere, by the way I already recieved my award last saturday, it was so weird. I'm already done eith the school paper and now the performances then right after the school paper again then the performances. When will all this calm down? Can't I have my break? I'm really happy with all these things but sometimes it makes me really pressured. People think that I'm a package deal. And make stuff big deals when I make small mistakes.

I'm tired of using the phone, watching tv and even surfing the net, I prefer sleeping more. I look like an old lady at the age of 13. How frustrating! I always post the same entries. I need new topics for my articles. I need to make it good this time. Ha! what to do?

Colors

In the midst of the night, I see different colors. One that can never be seen in daylight… Colors that resembled the meaning of true life, true love and true faith. It makes us realize the real essence of everything. How the simple laughs affect the people around you. How tears gave sad feelings for others and how we grow love for each other. These hidden colors were kept for a long time. Not seen in the naked eye, we never noticed that it was just around us.

The atmosphere of life is everywhere, in every place in every sight that can be seen. As the moon shone above me I realized all the things that I’ve missed. The times that I wasted time and the times that I took others for granted. The times when I didn’t care what other’s feel. My times of in denial and regretting every single time that I lied of how I felt, I feel as if my heart’s sinking when every time I think about those moments. I always regret. I never learn. And now I’m scared to do the same things. I’m afraid that the colors that surround me will slowly fade away. I will never be complete. As I watch it slowly turn to black and white, I cry. I feel the pain of each mistake. It kills me every time I see the consequence that affected the people around me. They are innocent. I’m the one to blame. But still no one blames me. I do things that I cannot pay. But still I do it. How can I be this bad? The color yellow in my eyes gradually turned red. Red of blood, then it turned black. Black of death, I live, I breathe, I am here but I’m dead. I don’t feel anything anymore. I surrender. And to those people who paid for everything. I’m sorry. Now I’m paying. Now I’d rest in my own hands. I’ll live again when the time comes. I’ll be back but it might take a long time to put the simple colors of my life to regain, for everything to be colorful again. I’m tired so are you. I’ll heal myself with the colors left and create new… Wait for my coming back…

Silly Headlines

Right now I'm finishing my 2 news articles. I can't think of a good headline. Uhh... I'm not used to writing news though it is my job because I'm a "FILIPINO" editor which means that everysection in filipino language is in my editing system. ince that's the case I am required to write a news. Atleast It's a new experience.

I'm having problems with my attitude I feel that I'm getting bossy. I don't want the things to get into my head. I want to stay like this forever. I mean I believe that somehow, I'm innocent and just right right now. It's already midnight and we have school tomorrow tell me what to do... Huhu. Instead of resting here I am typing, typing and typing. Getting the monitor into my brains. Hehe. Tired yet worried. I'm scared of Science. I don't know what to do. I should pass! I can do this! Many names will be stained if I fail. First my family, my sisters are known for their huge brains and writing skills. Next, my scribe family. Of coarse as they say Scribers ar role models. Then I fail. I'm no longer a normal writer I have heavier biones behind me. I can't just drop them off. I have a responsibility. And lastly, my own name. Huhu. I can't afford to fail. I Can't fail. Right now, I wanna die! I feel bad when I think of science. Hope that I pass it. If you read this... pray for me... I need tons of prayers. But I have a part while you pray I study. That sounds very dynamic... hehe... Till next time.... If there's still time ahead... hehe...

Another Week

I think I'm gonna fail biology. I'm scared as usual what new? I'm always near the edges of the cliff. I can't take this any more. 2 more news articles... haaayyy life.. so tired. I'm not feeling well lately. I have practices everyday. I'm always sleepy though I sleep much earlier than before. Haha. Many things just happen to me and now I can't remember it. So Ironic.

I wanna sleep but still I'm typing and now I'm looking for solutions on how to get a disket. I need it exactly tom. What to do? It's a deadline! Curse me!!!! ahhh.... I won't sleep tonight not unless I find new solutions. My ugly article is giving me the creeps. Think that I will be abandoned by scribe. Now I'm feeling that I'm not deserving. I don't deserve the credit and the name it's giving me. There are many good writers that doesn't stand out. Why me? I'm happy yet pressured. I frustrated yet proud... haha.. confusing... I don't know what to feel. Giving me huge responsibilities means they trust me but still huge reposibilities means expectations. Oh well, just have to do my job.... hehe