Regrets

I do... I regret... I try to change... I found out that I can't change... I get depressed... I argue.. then I regret again... What the heck??? It's a roller coaster ride... I am a bad person. I really am. I did something for a person then I regret it because I didn't got the reaction that I was expecting. I'm bad. I should change this attitude. I hurt people. I hurt myself after hurting those people. Staring from now on I will try to post happy memories than my worst and redundant emotions.

I am so numb. Now I'm feeling it. I only see the faults of others. I didn't even realize that I was also doing it. The same mistake that I despise others. I really hate myself. As of now, I want to cry... I am crying but unseen... I pity myself for being this weak. I cry for people that I value but I don't feel that they value me. I really don't cry with tears and everything but I feel like crying. I felt sorry for myself.. for not knowing that others value me....

I'm Sorry

Lately I can't sleep, I'm worried about many things. But actually I don't know what I'm worried about. Nothing in my brain is specified. Gosh! And lately I don't even have time to post on my blog or to chat. I'm not that busy at school but I feel that something's wrong with me. I'm grounded only for my achi's eyes but when she's out I can do any thing I want. I'm bad... hehe...

I'm listening to 26 songs. I mean as in ONLY 26 songs. I think I'm gonna get sick with myself. I keep complaining. I can't even remember that I posted here that I'm happy... Now I'm thinking of the things I lack... the only thing that I don't have is a love life and money. Well, I don't need those anyway. I think I'm only pressuring myself... haha... I'm the cause of all my depressions... Weird isn't it? But yes! It's all my fault and yet I'm complaining. I even burst out to other people... you know who you are...

I just wanna say I'm sorry. I don't see your concerns. Thanks for everything... I'm such a selfish freak. Hehe.. Thanks for your efforts to cheer me up though sometimes I'm bad enough to make you feel that you're the one who made a mistake. It's all me. You did nothing wrong. That's who you are... and I can't change that... I'm sorry for being a stuborn kid... Don't think about my feelings too much... I'm confused child... You'll never find me out... I'll try to change my moody modes... I promise I'll make it up to you... -shobe-

Summary for this Week

I am very tired, really tired. Lately I've been feeling very sick and it's as if I'm gonna fall. It was very hard for me to breathe yesterday. I don't have asthma.

I entered something I know I wont win. It's a national impromptu speaking contest. Well, I didn't realize that it is gonna be hard. Good luck. Hope I won't humiliate myself infront of others... hehe...

The program was OK. Not that good but we are all proud of it. We made it. Haha. By the way, I think our group was the worst they forgot to sing the first line! Imagine that... At first I thought "what the?" but since the show must go on. I have to put my face infront of 2 sections!!! Gosh... I promise I won't do that again! I swear... well, not sure because humiliation is unexpected. I really look ugly... haha.. well, that I can't change

Making Plans

This will be such a busy grading period for me. I'm starting to realize my faults such as laziness and being very irresponsible. I should try to learn time management. It seems like I'm using up my time in telebabad and net surfing. I use all of my time in my simple pleasures than my responsibilities. It's been a long while since I've posted. I've got so many things running through my head now. School, friends(weird friends) and family. I always feel tired though I'm only sleeping and eating. I have to make plans to make everything in order.

Right now I'm planning to have dreams. I know it's very late to have dreams at the age of 13. haha. I'm still searching the right paths of life... Bwahaha... Wala na ko masulat ah. :-p How much do I need to cry at night to know how I feel? I am bothered not at love. You might assume that it is love but sorry my doors of love are now closed. It's personal and private matters which includes family and friends... Can't take this any longer.

You were never there

Last night I was playing my guitar.
All of the people in our house was already sleeping.
I was alone at that time.
The door in my room was closed.
I was playing my guitar.

I never intended to be all emotional but I was.
I heared the bat's sounds and the waving of the trees.
And as the winds of the electric fan past by my face.
I thought of the good times we had together.
The times we shared things for each other.

But at that night I was alone...

As my fingertips touched the strings of the guitar,
I feel you near me.
As the music play in my haed,
I feel you beside me,
As I was reminiscing you weren't there

I was alone...

I pushed the guitar near me,
I hugged it gently,
I don't want to let go of it,
It was you who was in it.
Your presence was there but your no where...

At that time I felt alone...

I needed to hear your voice...
A voice of purity...
I played the guitar once again..
then your face flashed in mine...
I thought you were there but no you were not...

I sang a song to forget about you...
But the song I sang was all about you...
I danced alone and felt the breeze with me...
But I felt a person touching me...
Hugged me and dissapeared...

I thought you were with me but I didn't see you...

I looked at the mirror...
I imagined you beside me...
But a blank face is all I can see...
I was waiting for you that night...
Waiting for you to tell me you love me...

I was lying on the floor...
thinking about you with the guitar against me....
Fingertips on the strings...
My hands on its neck...
And suddenly I realized I was all alone...

You were never there...

Pictures of Art

Today I am planning to draw something. I've been thinking about it these past few days. My last art was last april 5 and up until now my collection didn't even increased. I'm not that good at art but I enjoy seeing my sweat turn into gold. Haha. I don't know how I get pleasure from it. It's a very dirty work. But still. It calms me right after. Sometime I'll post my works here even though they look like kindergarten projects. I'm still proud of it. Cause in someway. It makes me proud of myself. Eventhough it does look like kindergarten. I did things that I have never done. And that is something that I shoul be proud of.

I didn't even know when did I learn how to use pastels. Because in the first place no one in this house knows. I never attended any art classes (though I want to). Maybe I'm just obsessed with collecting talents. That's a possible reason. Hehe. I want to have a new something to improve. A new something to put sweat into. Well, one thing's for sure. The bottom of my to learn list is dancing. It's just isn'y me. But I promise to try it someday. But I can't promise to be good at it. That's way too much. Watch out for my upcoming posts. I'm planning to scan my garbage... Hehe...

I'm thinking of neww pictures to draw. I don't copy drawings of others. I either do still life or imagination. I'm also not good in drawing anime. I know that it is very intriguing but believe me you wouldn't be surprised. There's nothing special about it except for the time and effort I gave it...

Confusion: Complicated

What's with trust? Why can't I determine what I want? Why can't I own what I have? How would you know if someone cares for you? How does one stay awake when we're feeling asleep? Confusion is a sin. You sometimes tell lies because you're confused. And you feel confused when you tell lies. How weird is it when you say you don't love someone but you actually do? How does one change the other? Fire burns the arm, water drowns the bird, what more can love do if it is the one who tortures. What can love drown? How far can it go?Which is more paniful? Seeing someone that loves you get hurt? Or getting hurt because the one you love doesn't love you?

A person once told me that for him its the relationship that creates love. We didn't get along because for me it's the love that creates the relationship. But right now, I'm confused. Because I'm pushing a person to have a relationship and find love in it. What the heck just happened???? See? Nothing's going the right direction. Now I don't know what's right. What to do? AHHH!!! Can't explain myself lately. Why does life have to be this way? Sooo complicated.

Letting Go

Why does life have to be this way? Nakakasawa na. What's weird is that you don't even know what you like or what you want. Sometimes I just think that I might be indenial. Well, indenial is something that is hard for me to accept. Sometimes people know what you want but you don't know what you want. Does that make sense? Gosh! There's so many words that are in my head now. Another weird thing, too many words I don't know what it is. Ahhh!!!

The trouble in being confused is that you feel as if your life as of that moment is not owned by you. It seems that you lend it to someone for the moment. Because everytime that I decide only with my own decision, the worst results happen. Atleast when I get consultation from others the moments won't be that bad. It might not be perfect but at least far away from the worst! Deciding makes me sick! Especially when you feel that you've made the wrong decision. Especially when you decide to let go of someone. Then realizes that you can't live without it. Now answer me how can you tell that person that you want him again? You just lost it.

It hurts when you know that if you do a certain thing that person will part himself from you. But you do it. Because you love him and you love yourself and that you can't handle everything that is happening to you because of him. The art of letting go is one of the most terrible things a man can do. Because when you let go of someone you throw away a piece of your life and forgetting everything he has been to you.